“You call that a knife?” Lauren Cullen said, showing the officer his Japanese sword.

Detective Captain Steven Vicente shook his head from side-to-side. “You told him that?” he said.

Lauren gave the officer a smirk and shrugged his shoulders, saying, “Yeah, about a second before I pulled out my wakisashi.”


“Like in those samurai movies,” Lauren said, twisting the sword by its handle.

Detective Vicente gave it a second glance. He said, “And you keep it behind the counter?”

“Not usually,” Lauren said, “but I got this collector coming over wanting to take a look at it.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of New Bedford grocery store clerk – http://boston.com

Carjacking an ambulance

Brian Timothy Kada Jr. walked on to the westbound side of the expressway. The traffic at a standstill. He headed for the ambulance and opened the passenger door, pulled his SIG .45 from his waistband and pointed it at the driver’s head and told her to get the fuck out as he jumped in and slid across to sit behind the steering wheel. He shoved the ambulance into gear and drove out onto the slip road. The driver’s door slamming shut as he looked over his shoulder. Shit. He hadn’t counted on a patient being strapped down in the back.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Kada Jr. – http://wtsp.com

Misdemeanour turns to firearm offence

5 p.m. Saturday evening, 3400 South Wentworth Avenue, Tiara Paul, 20, was stopped by two police officers for a misdemeanour until a name check revealed she had two warrants for her arrest. Now, sitting in the back of the patrol car as they waited for a female officer to arrive, she pulled the loaded 25-calibre handgun from her jeans’ waistband. Thinking. Was the safety on? She wasn’t sure. The handcuffs digging into her wrists restricted her movement and she couldn’t quite see the 25-calibre. It felt like it was on. She pulled the trigger to test it out.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Tiara Paul – http://chicago.cbslocal.com

A new meaning to emergency funds

– 911, what is the nature of your emergency? –

Dominic, feeling relieved to hear the operator’s voice, said, “I… I screwed up. I need you to come fix some money for Candy.”

– Sir, are you hurt in some way? –

“No, but I need you to pay Candy,” Dominic said. “I told her I had no money to pay her, now I think she has her boss coming over to hurt me.”

– Sir, tell me exactly what has happened –

“Nothin’s happened, but it will if I don’t pay Candy the four-hundred dollars I owe her,” Dominic said, looking up at Candy.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of an unpaid prostitute bill – http://opposingviews.com

Released sixteen years too early

“But I keep telling you, you’ve got the wrong guy.”

“I get it,” The prison guard said. “I take it you wanna stay in the cell a while longer, that it?”

Walter Dixon, thinking how this guard didn’t know shit about nothing, said, “No, you don’t get it. I’m meant to be going with the Marshal.”

“The Federal Marshal?”

Dixon smiled. Sixteen years handed down from the state judge and this prison guard was releasing him sixteen years too early. “I’m telling you man, you got the wrong guy. I’m meant to be going the Correctional Centre in downtown Chicago.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of convicted criminal Walter Redawn Dixon – http://suntimes.com

Banana with an AK-47

It seemed like a good idea at the time, at least that’s what the owner of the store told him. Nineteen year-old Taylor stood on the street corner dressed in a banana costume with his AK-47 slung over his left shoulder when the Beaumont police pulled up alongside him. Yeah, he thought to himself, how the fuck do you work this one out. He held up his handwritten sign saying – Golden Triangle Tactical Grand Opening – and gave the cop stepping out of the patrol car that fucked up grin of his. Except, now he weren’t feeling that smart.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Golden Triangle Tactical’s promotion – http://nydailynews.com

Robbery by toilet plunger

The Citizen Bank was third on Lawrence Deptola’s list. He strutted up to the cashier armed with a toilet plunger and banged on the glass partition. “You, retard. This is a robbery. Hand over what you got in your till.”

The cashier gave him a look. “You’re robbing the bank?”

“You a cripple or what? I’ve just told you I’m robbing the bank.”

“With that?”

Lawrence started to grin. “Fuck you bitch, don’t make me come over there and knock the shit outta you with it. Now get your skinny arse into gear and put the money in a bag.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Lawrence Deptola – www.wktv.com

Life in the fast lane

At first it didn’t sound like much of a job. Now, the idea of shooting the three of them amused him. One of the white guys sitting up front kept tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Carlos was thinking about popping him first. Bring up the revolver nice-and-easy and shoot him in the back of the neck before picking off one of the other two. See which one would lunge at him first. He was betting on the black guy to his left, the one holding the briefcase open counting all the money. Carlos squeezed the trigger.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of a shooting outside the Manhattan School of Music – http://nypost.com

Loan applicant robs bank

Troy Mitchell slipped the female clerk a scribbled note asking her to hand over five grand just as the Loans Manager walked over saying, “Hi, Troy.”

Troy, avoiding eye contact, said, “Um, yeah, hi.”

“I’m sorry the loan didn’t get through,” the Loans Manager said. “Maybe another time.”

Troy tried a smile knowing he’d just been caught out. Maybe robbing the bank he’d just applied for a loan from wasn’t such a bright idea. He looked over at the female clerk as the Loans Manager walked off. “You know,” Troy said, “why don’t you make it an even ten grand.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Troy Mitchell – http://fbi.gov

A fool for a client

James Kurt scratched his head as he watched the jurors stand up and leave the courtroom after it took them less than two hours to find him guilty of carjacking and armed robbery. “I ain’t going to prison,” he said. “You trippin’, that’s all.”

Scott Strauss, the assistant State Attorney, closed his briefcase and looked up for a beat. “You still think you had a better chance of defending yourself than someone from the Public Defenders Office?”

James shrugged and shook his head saying, “Shit man, you just don’t understand the street talk… How we talk back in my neighbourhood.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Kurt James – http://local10.com

Four years and your marriage licence

“And you’re sure you want to go ahead with this?” Judge Jerry D. Bass said.

“We’ve been together a long time,” Larry Austin said, adjusting his orange prison jumpsuit, pulling the sleeves over the handcuffs. “This is a chance for us to start our lives over.”

“You won’t be going on a honeymoon, you understand?”

Larry looked at his girlfriend, Dustie Dawn Trojack, standing in the courtroom behind him and nodded. Thinking. The four years the judge just handed him for a firearms violation meant he’d be out in three. “Yeah, I’m cool with that,” he said. “Are you baby?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Larry Austin – http://newsok.com

Robber poops in his pants

The suspect, Nathan Severin, wriggled on the ground under the weight of Jason Guerra, saying, “Come on, give me a break, I’m in a bad spot here. Would it make any difference if I told you I were sorry, that I didn’t mean to rob you?”

“You shit your pants,” Guerra said, tightening his grip.

“Yeah, I pooped my pants. You got a problem with that?”

“Uh huh,” Guerra said. But I got a problem with you trying to steal my kid’s laptop. Shitting yourself, well that’s just your problem that you’ll have to live with for a while longer.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Nathan Severin pooping his pants – http://kptv.com

The wedding bomb

Neil McArdle lifted the pay-phone’s handset and dialled the emergency number. It took three rings before the operator answered and a few seconds before Neil had enough courage to spurt out the words, ”There’s a bomb in St George’s Hall and it will go off in 45 minutes,” making sure to repeat it again before slamming the handset back into its cradle. He wiped at the cold sweat from the nape of his neck and let out a deep sigh as he thought about his fiancé, Amy Williams, and the wedding reception that he so stupidly forgot to book.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the forgetful groom – http://dailymail.co.uk

Couple busted for marijuana

“You’re kidding me, right?” Kimberly Pardus said. “I can’t smell anything.”

John Pardus leant against the wall nursing his left hand and watched the police officer walk up the staircase towards the second floor where the smell of marijuana was strongest. Kimberly, his wife, was shaking her head. The idea of inviting the police back to their home to unload his .22-calibre handgun and make it safe was beginning to sound like a real dumb idea. Soon, he knew, the police officers would find the 46 marijuana plants and a closet full of marijuana trees hanging out to dry.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of John Pardus – http://news-journalonline.com

You need big pants, not balls

Larry Wolf wanted to take one of the two puppies but couldn’t make up his mind which one. He picked up the white pug nearest and held it up so that his son could see it. Yeah, he liked the look of this one himself and unzipped his flies and stuffed the puppy down his pants. “We’re good to go,” he said to his wife, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “I want that one too.”

Larry thinking now, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea taking his wife shopping. “You want that one or both?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the puppy theft – http://clickorlando.com

Getaway donkey

Eee-aww, eee-aww.

“Shush,” Milton said under his breath.

Deon removed his bandanna and hunched down next to Milton. “You think somebody heard?” he said.

Milton looked back towards the store they’d just robbed. “I don’t see any lights coming on.”

“Maybe we got lucky.”

“I told you we shouldn’t have stolen Xavia’s donkey,” Milton said.

“Shush,” Deon said, “you hear that?”

“Hear what? All I hear is this fucking donkey.”

“No, that.”

Milton kept still for a moment. “It’s Fabio.”

“You see if he’s carrying his shotgun?”

“Uh-huh, and I ain’t gonna hang around to find out if he is.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the getaway by donkey – http://telegraph.co.uk

Methamphetamine trafficking

The beaten Chevrolet pickup tailed the car in front too closely. The driver, Eduardo Enriquez, was unaware of the sheriff’s patrol car until he’d heard the sound of the siren whoop at him from behind. He pulled over onto the hard shoulder and tucked the .9mm handgun into his waistband behind his back and leant his elbow on the window seal. Thinking. Six months out on parole with five hundred grams of methamphetamine stashed in the spare tire and in possession of a handgun wouldn’t go down too well if he were caught. He watched the sherif in the rearview.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Eduardo Enriques and 500 grams of methamphetamine – http://amarillo.com

Dog poop sparks killing spree

Michael Stoltz watched the German Shepherd’s body go slack. The sound of the gunshot sent the other dog, a Rottweiler, scurrying off to squeeze through the gap under the door. He reloaded and turned the revolver over in his hands. Aimed. Fired another shot and watched the Rottweiler hit the floor as his wife ran into the kitchen. Stoltz played it through his mind, the dog shitting in the house, then blamed his wife for wanting them. Sometimes it’s the trivial things that set people off, right? He watched the confused look on his wife’s face and squeezed the trigger.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of seventy-six year old Texas man Michael Stephen Stoltz – http://news.yahoo.com

Alligator in my toolbox

“You better tell ‘im that you aint smoked no shit,” Jessie Stoner said, covering the marijuana on the console with his jacket.

“You think I’m worried? Dude, that aint nothin’ compared to the four-foot alligator I got stuffed in my toolbox,” Christopher Walling said.


Christopher adjusted his cap in his wing mirror, “I shot it out by Llano,” he said, watching the Deputy stroll up to the rear of his pickup, taking his time.

Jessie wiped a hand over his face. Thinking. Two days into his parole. “Shit,” he said, “and I bet you still got no licence?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Jessie Stoner and Christopher Walling – http://theledger.com

Patrón margarita?

Akeem Monsalvatge couldn’t believe what the Judge was telling him. Thirty-two years felt more like an execution than a sentence. “Do I get a last meal, a patrón margarita?” Akeem said, but thinking now how the Judge just gave him the mandatory minimum sentence for a heist. Just like that, as if it didn’t mean shit. “It weren’t like we shot anybody, we just took the money.” Akeem watched the Judge shrug and his expression change. “The terms are harsh,” the Judge said. “Each of you showed great potential. It’s a pity your youth will be squandered behind bars.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the Hollywood styled heist – http://nypost.com

Bashful vanished!

“Right there. At the back. You see?”

The Officer leant forward, squinted for effect. “I only see Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and Sneezy.”

“That’s what I mean Officer,” Ron Waterman said. “There’s no Bashful. And I know I put him there after I bought him at a yard-sale… I came out earlier to collect a few branches from the lawn. I always count two, four, six, seven when I pass them. This time I went two, four, six, whoa. No seven. How’d you figure that?”

“Weird,” the Officer said, scratching his head. “You got a ransom note yet?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the disappearing dwarf – http://hamptonroads.com

Scribbled note foils bank robbery

There were three women in the queue ahead of him. He ticked each one off as the bank clerk served them. Now, at the counter, he handed the female cashier the scribbled note he’d had crumpled in his Jeans’ pocket, waited a moment, and nervously looked around the bank whilst she read it.

With a puzzled look, she said, “I’m sorry sir, but it is illegible.”

“Huh!” Thomas said, grabbing his note back from under the glass partition.

“Could you rewrite it?” she asked.

Thomas tucked the note back into his Jeans’ pocket and left without having stolen any money.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the foiled robbery of a bank by Thomas Love – http://dailymail.co.uk


“The guy just came at me with the shotgun wearing a ski mask,” the store clerk said.

Deputy Sheriff George Warrel flipped his note pad open and looked up. “You sure it was a ski mask he wore?”

The clerk nodded saying, “It had a picture of a duck’s bill.”

“A duck’s bill?” Sheriff Warrel said, licking the tip of his pencil. Thinking. The ski mask had been picked up a mile from the store by a County Sheriff. “You get a good look of the shotgun?”

“Uh huh,” the clerk said, “I was too busy staring at the duck.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Idaho robbery – http://ktvb.com

The gunman

Christopher Briggs clipped the semi-automatic .45 calibre handgun onto his belt: thirteen rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber. He had a couple more magazines loaded with hollow-point ammunition and two hunting knives with serrated edges in his rucksack. He moved quickly between the crowd leaving the U.S. Secret Service police booth behind him and headed for the White House, keeping his head down and his hands in his Jeans’ pockets. Now he was thinking he should have worn that white shirt to conceal the .45. Attract less attention. But then that would’ve be too easy.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Christopher Biggs – http://nbcwashington.com

Robbery by body but not mind

It was going to work. He had already thought it through a hundred times. All he had to do was hand the cheque over to the bank clerk and demand the money. Easy, right? Hell, yeah, he thought. He took a quick glance at the cheque again to make sure his mother’s name was scratched out good and proper. “You know what to do,” he told the bank clerk, “or we all die. I’ll start shooting you first.” Yeah, that should just about do it, he figured. Maybe now he can get some sleep and stop thinking about it all.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the out of body robbery – http://koco.com

Polaroids help convict serial killer

Inspector Faulkner rubbed his hand over his face saying, “Your son gets fifteen years for armed robbery and you’re looking at life for murder.”

Christian was listening but staring at his Polaroids spread across the table.

“Eleven previously unsolved murders now linked to your DNA,” Faulkner said. “If we had never arrested your son, we’d never have found you.” He tapped one of the Polaroids with his finger. “Photographs found hidden in a shoebox under your bed. You want to start naming the corpses?”

Christian shrugged as his lawyer whispered into his ear. He returned a smile but said nothing.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Lonnie David Franklin Jr (The Grim Sleeper) – http://en.wikipedia.org

It’s a fare deal

“Don’t fuck with me, give me everything you got in your pockets,” said the white dude holding the .22-caliber automatic handgun to his victim’s head. “Now fucker, before I get trigger happy. And don’t be holding back, you hear me…? Yeah that’s what I’m talking about.” The white dude cranked his head to the side. “Forty dollars, that it? Let me see what you’re hiding in your pockets.”


“You messing with me?”


“You got any money for the bus?” The white dude said peeling off two dollars from the forty dollars. “Here’s your bus fare.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the gunpoint robbery at a bus stop – http://daytondailynews.com

You just got robbed

“Dude, you gotta dig this shit. We can film the fuckers getting robbed,” Randall Smith said.

Artie Goodwine took the marijuana joint out from his mouth and blew a stream of smoke towards the ceiling. He said, “Yeah, we shoot it like it’s one of them fucked up reality TV shows.”

Randall smiled. “Call it ‘You just got robbed’ or something.”

“Yeah, I like that,” Artie said, watching the smoke drift upwards. “We can start making us some real money… Maybe even get invited onto the Oprah Winfrey show.”

“You think?”

Artie shrugged. Thinking. Liking the way it all sounded.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Randall Smith and Artie Goodwine – http://seattlepi.com

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop

“It says here ‘Jeffrey Drew Wilschke’.”

“I’ve not had time to get my driving license changed over.”

The County Sheriff shone his flashlight at Jeffrey’s face. “And you’re calling yourself Beezoo Doo something?” The Sheriff said.

“Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop,” Jeffrey said. “Beezow is for the explosion of awareness of the interconnectedness of the infinite love of the universe. Doo-Doo is the struggle we find ourselves with that awareness, that with love comes chaos.”

“And the Zopitty-Bop shit?”

“Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is the outcome of that struggle,” Jeffrey said.

“Well Zipitty, your minivan’s registration has expired.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of an Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop – http://upi.com

You speaky English?

“What did he say?”

“How the fuck should I know,” Zachariah said. “The guy don’t make no sense.”

Howard pulled his Colt .44 from his waistband and pointed it at one of the Chinese waiters, the one that was no taller than he’d been himself when he’d started high school ten years back. “You speaky English?” he said, cracking a smile under his mask.

“You think he’s a faggot Howard?”

“Fuck you Zack, I said no using our names.”

“They don’t understand shit,” Zachariah said. “So it don’t matter none.”

“How do you know they don’t know shit, you fucking genius.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of foiled robbery – http://upi.com