Yoo-hoo, I’m back!

The Kingwood Walmart, Texas on a tuesday afternoon. The bank robber, a white female in her forties with a black and white checkered hoodie partially covering her face walked over to the counter telling the cashier that she was back. “Yeah,” she said, “except this time I want you to put the money in this bag. And no small notes, I’m not fussed for a load of chump-change, you hear?” She flicked a glance at the security camera but kept her head low. “You’re the woman that served me last time,” she said. “Hope you don’t take it personal.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Kingwood Walmart robbery – http://fbi.govd

The marijuana rush

Quentrel J. Johnson glanced over the dashboard and under the console of his Fiat Uno for a place to stash his marijuana. The police officer was coming at him from the driver’s side, head on. There was no time. Quentrel stuffed the marijuana into his mouth and started to chew whilst stuffing the empty bag of the marijuana in his crutch. He gave the officer that grin of his and tried not to show his teeth. The officer gave him a different look back and shone his torch into Quentrel’s face, saying, “You know you’re driving without your headlights on?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Quentrel J. Johnson – http://omaha.com

I’m an owl, Sheriff, honest!

Troy Prockett, 37, drove his Ford Mustang into the ditch and fell head first out of the driver’s side. He picked himself up and zigzagged into the woods finding cover under a large oak tree and waited. Damn, he thought, he’d just have to climb the tree and hide out for a while. When he was thirty feet up, he could see the State Trooper looking straight up at him. Shit, Troy thought, I’ll just pretend I’m an owl or something and see how that works. “I’m an owl, Sheriff, honest to god.” Yeah, that should just about do it.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Troy Prockett, the owl – http://huffingtonpost.com

Attacked with a banana

“You think you got something to prove, do you?”

Philip Smolinsky stared at his girlfriend, thinking she didn’t know shit about anything. He tapped the banana against his leg. Fidgeting now. Maybe he could teach her lesson, show her how it is. Yeah, he thought. “You think you’re so smart, huh?” He said.

“What, you gonna attack me now with that banana?”

Philip caught his reflection in the mirror just above the fireplace. He was holding the banana up high as if he were going to spear her with it. “You think I ain’t got the balls to do it?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Philip Joseph Smolinsky – http://nbcmiami.com

Santa falls out of horse-drawn sleigh

Alfred Nowakowski, 51, from Ustrzykach Dolnych, and his 31 year-old female side-kick Felicia Brodowski sat in the sleigh waving to the locals gathered on the high street. “Ho, ho, ho,” Alfred sang, slurring his words and feeling the alcohol rush to his head. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so drunk. He pulled back on the reigns at the sound of a car beeping its horn, but it was too late and the horse reared up and the sleigh was thrown against the wall. Alfred looked up at the sky, the tarmac pressed against his back.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the Polish Santa and his little helper – http://mirror.co.uk

Buddy the intoxicated elf

“Maybe you just confused the alcohol with the maple syrup?” The Sheriff said.

Brandon Touchet, 34, from Lafayette Parish wasn’t laughing.

“See, I’m thinking you’re one of those South Pole elves. The ones that ain’t got no sense of humour.” Sheriff Faulkner rubbed his hand over his chin. “Maybe that’s just it, you lost your Christmas spirit,” he continued.

Brandon, with his arms folded, looked up and tried to focus on the camera as the flash blurred his vision and the red dots invaded his eyes. Damn, he thought. If this picture ever gets out on the internet, I’m screwed.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Buddy ‘Brandon Touchet, the Elf – http://nydailynews.com

The good deed

“It’s like I told you,” Lawrence said. “The guy had given my girlfriend half the money she earned dancing tonight. We just wanted to show our appreciation by driving him home. One good deed and all that, you know how it is?”

“A good deed, huh?” The officer said. “You mind telling me why you’re driving the guy in a vehicle that’s been reported stolen from Daytona Beach?”

Lawrence, giving that grin of his, said, “You got it all wrong, my friend gave it to me as a gift.”

“As a gift?” The Officer said.

“Yeah, now you got it.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Robert Cook and the Shark Lounge dancer – http://news-journalonline.com

Burglar takes selfie in victim’s house

“Steve,” Trevor Marshall said, “you’re a fucking dope taking that selfie.”

“Yeah, but get this,” Steve Coyle said. “It weren’t even my phone. It were the bitch’s I were robbing.”

“Huh!”

“Yeah, I took it from here handbag whilst I were rooting ‘round her gaff. The bitch were in the shower. I couldn’t resist.”

“So this woman’s got your mug shot on her phone?” Trevor said. “You didn’t figure she’d show the police?”

“Yeah, I figured it. That’s why I gave her my Jack Nicholson look out of the Shining,” Steve said. “How the fuck they gonna know it’s me?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the burglar taking a selfie – http://metro.co.uk

7-Eleven employee fired after robbery

St Petersburg, Florida. Robert VanConett worked the night shift at the 7-Eleven on 34th Street North and was watching the black guy approach the counter. Six years on the job and he knew when it was about to kick off. Jesus, the guy looked like he was on drugs or something, he thought. Then he saw the knife as the guy leaned over the counter to grab at the money in the cash register. VanConett wasn’t going to just sit there and get stabbed like that employee murdered in Riverview. VanConett pulled his handgun from out under his shirt.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Robert VanConett, 7-Eleven employee – http://wtsp.com

Loan applicant robs bank

Troy Mitchell slipped the female clerk a scribbled note asking her to hand over five grand just as the Loans Manager walked over saying, “Hi, Troy.”

Troy, avoiding eye contact, said, “Um, yeah, hi.”

“I’m sorry the loan didn’t get through,” the Loans Manager said. “Maybe another time.”

Troy tried a smile knowing he’d just been caught out. Maybe robbing the bank he’d just applied for a loan from wasn’t such a bright idea. He looked over at the female clerk as the Loans Manager walked off. “You know,” Troy said, “why don’t you make it an even ten grand.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Troy Mitchell – http://fbi.gov