Elvis’ half orang-utan brother arrested

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Sheriff Deputy Hayden leant against the car. Inside, fifty-one year old Mark Loescher was telling him that he needed to call the Fusion Centre to ask about his monkey blood, on account of him being half orang-utan.

‘Is that right?’ The Sheriff Deputy said. ‘I want you to exit the vehicle and place both hands on the window.’

‘You know who I am?… Director of CIA.’

‘Sir, I want you to exit the vehicle and place both hands on the window… Now.’

‘Man, you’ve no idea who you’re dealing with,’ Loescher said. ‘Hell,  I’m even Elvis’ half brother.’

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of Mark Loescher http://www.naplesnews.com

Prison break by suitcase

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‘You know, I think this is gonna work.’ Ramirez said.

‘You think?’

‘Uh!’ Ramirez said tucking his knees up against his chest and squeezing into the suitcase.

‘You want me to zip it up?’ His girlfriend said.

Ramirez nodded and pressed his head inside and felt the case tighten around him. Then he felt the bumps and cracks of the prison yard until they came to a stop by the prison gate. He could hear the guards talking about the suitcase and his girlfriend falter. He was beginning to think, that maybe, this wasn’t such a bright idea.

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of Juan Ramirez http://www.reuters.com

The Duct-Tape Bandit

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Kasey Kazee ran his hand over his head and felt the chunks of hair missing from his scalp. He couldn’t recall how it happened or how he ended up in the police station, but he was certain that he didn’t rob no off-licence.

‘Mr Kazee,’ the officer said. ‘The shop manager, Bill Steele, made a statement that you ran in with Duct-Tape wrapped round your head.’

‘Do I look like the Duct Tape Bandit to you?’

‘Well, err, now that you mention it,’ the officer said. ‘You do look a little sore.’

‘Man, you got the wrong bandit.’

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of the Duct-Tape Bandit http://www.oddee.com

Cross dressing is not the crime

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James T.Duke pulled the shotgun out from under his skirt and shoved it into the cashier’s face. ‘The cash… Now.’

She emptied the till into a bag and handed it over.

‘And the lotion,’ he said waving the barrel of the shotgun at her. ‘Put the fucking lotion in the bag with the cash.’

She hurried and picked up the lotion from the counter.

‘In the bag,’ he said holding it open. He looked round the store and waited, put the shotgun back under his skirt and walked out eyeing the dress in the window.

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of James T.Duke http://www.oddee.com/

The restauranteur hit man

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Brittany Martinez leaned against the counter in her local restaurant.

‘Let me get this straight. You want me to kill your husband?’ The restauranteur said.

Martinez nodded.

‘You appreciate we only cook food?’

‘I have cash and a picture of my husband,’ she said taking out an envelope from her bag. ‘I don’t care who kills him but it’s got to be done today. The cash is from our joint account. If my husband finds it missing, he’ll wanna know where it is.’

The restauranteur shrugged and took the envelope saying, ‘I can see where that can be kinda awkward.’

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of Brittany Martinez http://blogs.houstonpress.com

Crack dealer is no Mr Big

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Pele Watson’s lawyer stood up. ‘My client is no Mr Big your honour. He has a condition called achondroplasia.’

The judge looked up from her papers with a blank expression.

‘I believe it is better known as dwarfism,’ the lawyer said.

‘Your client is still a drug dealer, Mr Rendle. He sold crack cocaine to a police officer.’

‘He is an addict that suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and depression your honour, and has not made any money from the offence.’

‘Perhaps, Mr Rendle, you feel that your client should receive a shorter sentence for this crime?’ The judge said.

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of Pele Watson www.thisislondon.co.uk

Scribbled note foils bank robbery

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There were three women in the queue ahead of him. He ticked each one off as the cashier served them. Now, at the counter, he handed the female cashier the scribbled note he’d had crumpled in his Jeans’ pocket. He waited a moment, nervously looking around the bank whilst she read it.

With a puzzled look, she said. ‘I’m sorry sir, but it’s illegible.’

‘Huh!’ Thomas said, grabbing his note back from under the glass partition.

‘Could you rewrite it?’ She asked.

Thomas tucked the note back into his Jeans’ pocket and left without having stolen any money.

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the foiled robbery of a bank by Thomas Love http://dailymail.co.uk

Polaroids help convict serial killer

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Inspector Faulkner rubbed his hand over his face saying, ‘your son gets fifteen years for armed robbery, but you’re looking at life.’

Christian was listening but staring at the Polaroids spread across the table.

‘Eleven previously unsolved murders now linked to your DNA.’ Faulkner said. ‘If we hadn’t arrested your son, we’d never have found you.’ He tapped one of the Polaroids with his finger. ‘Photographs found hidden in a shoebox under your bed. You want to start naming the corpses?’

Christian shrugged as his lawyer whispered into his ear. He returned a smile but said nothing.

By Vincent Holland - Inspired by the case of Lonnie David Franklin Jr (The Grim Sleeper) http://en.wikipedia.org

A hundred words to tell a story

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The concept is simple: I take inspiration from a real life event and give it my own flavour. I write a one hundred word ‘mini-bite’ story that’s raw and unpolished without the endless hours of trying to make it perfect.

And why do it? This is a personal challenge to improve my writing skills, spark my imagination, and begin a journey of discovery that I freely, and unapologetically, open to public scrutiny. It is also, unashamedly, a way to promote myself as an aspiring author.

Help spread the word. I hope you enjoy reading the 100 word shorts as much as I enjoy writing them. Please feel free to link to my stories by clicking on any of the ‘like’ social icons and help spread the word.

By Vincent Holland