Alligator in my toolbox

“You better tell ‘im that you aint smoked no shit,” Jessie Stoner said, covering the marijuana on the console with his jacket.

“You think I’m worried? Dude, that aint nothin’ compared to the four-foot alligator I got stuffed in my toolbox,” Christopher Walling said.

“Huh!”

Christopher adjusted his cap in his wing mirror, “I shot it out by Llano,” he said, watching the Deputy stroll up to the rear of his pickup, taking his time.

Jessie wiped a hand over his face. Thinking. Two days into his parole. “Shit,” he said, “and I bet you still got no licence?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Jessie Stoner and Christopher Walling – http://theledger.com

Robbery by body but not mind

It was going to work. He had already thought it through a hundred times. All he had to do was hand the cheque over to the bank clerk and demand the money. Easy, right? Hell, yeah, he thought. He took a quick glance at the cheque again to make sure his mother’s name was scratched out good and proper. “You know what to do,” he told the bank clerk, “or we all die. I’ll start shooting you first.” Yeah, that should just about do it, he figured. Maybe now he can get some sleep and stop thinking about it all.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the out of body robbery – http://koco.com

Dog poop sparks killing spree

Michael Stoltz watched the German Shepherd’s body go slack. The sound of the gunshot sent the other dog, a Rottweiler, scurrying off to squeeze through the gap under the door. He reloaded and turned the revolver over in his hands. Aimed. Fired another shot and watched the Rottweiler hit the floor as his wife ran into the kitchen. Stoltz played it through his mind, the dog shitting in the house, then blamed his wife for wanting them. Sometimes it’s the trivial things that set people off, right? He watched the confused look on his wife’s face and squeezed the trigger.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of seventy-six year old Texas man Michael Stephen Stoltz – http://news.yahoo.com

No balls to shoot me!

Anna Graham, wife of the Russian sculptor Ernst Neizvestny, stood watching her friend’s unlocked car whilst her friend went inside the house to get her suitcase. That’s when Anna saw the two men approach her. The black guy opening the driver’s door and the white guy telling her to hand over her wallet.

“Are you kidding me,” Anna said, “I’m in my pyjamas for christ’s sake.”

The white guy pulled his .44 from his waistband saying, “I’ll shoot you bitch.”

‘Uh huh, no you wont,” Anna said. “You need to have the balls to do that. And you have none.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Anna Graham’s standoff – http://upi.com

Boiled for four days

“I just slowly cooked it, and ended up cooking her for four days,” David Veins said.

“Let me get this straight. You cooked your wife’s body for four days?” Sgt. Richard Garcia said.

Veins rubbed his leg trying to loosen the muscle in his thigh. “That’s about it,” he said. “Before I mixed what remained with other waste and poured it into the grease pit where I work. Except for her scull.”

“You kept her scull… Where?”

“My mother’s attic,” Veins said. “It was the only thing I didn’t want to get rid of, in case I needed it sometime.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of David Veins – http://latimesblogs.latimes.com

Loan applicant robs bank

Troy Mitchell slipped the female clerk a scribbled note asking her to hand over five grand just as the Loans Manager walked over saying, “Hi, Troy.”

Troy, avoiding eye contact, said, “Um, yeah, hi.”

“I’m sorry the loan didn’t get through,” the Loans Manager said. “Maybe another time.”

Troy tried a smile knowing he’d just been caught out. Maybe robbing the bank he’d just applied for a loan from wasn’t such a bright idea. He looked over at the female clerk as the Loans Manager walked off. “You know,” Troy said, “why don’t you make it an even ten grand.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Troy Mitchell – http://fbi.gov

One more splif and I’ll quit

The judge told Daniel Mitchell that he’d give him a chance to stay out of prison if he agreed to give up marijuana. Daniel nodded, took his time and glanced up at the judge, liking what he was hearing. He listened to it in his mind and thought about his mates back home fucking with him when he told them that he’d quit on them. “Judge,” Daniel said. “I won’t lie and say it’ll be easy quitting. The fact is I like to smoke. So, you think I can make one request… If I can get one more joint in?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Daniel Mitchell – http://www.phillyburbs.com

I’m an owl, Sheriff, honest!

Troy Prockett, 37, drove his Ford Mustang into the ditch and fell head first out of the driver’s side. He picked himself up and zigzagged into the woods finding cover under a large oak tree and waited. Damn, he thought, he’d just have to climb the tree and hide out for a while. When he was thirty feet up, he could see the State Trooper looking straight up at him. Shit, Troy thought, I’ll just pretend I’m an owl or something and see how that works. “I’m an owl, Sheriff, honest to god.” Yeah, that should just about do it.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Troy Prockett, the owl – http://huffingtonpost.com

I ain’t got no blow…

Herminio Hurtado-Resendiz told the officer straight, just like he’d told the woman at Rancho’s bar. “Man,” he said, “You ain’t listening to a word I been saying. I ain’t selling no blow… No crack cocaine, amphetamines, ketamine, heroin, marijuana, or methadone. Shit, I’ll even prove it to you.”

“That right, huh?” the officer said.

Herminio gave him that smile, the one that said fuck you. He dug deep into his pockets and turned them inside out. “Shit man,” he said. “That ain’t nothing… You dig?”

The officer picked up the small plastic bag that Herminio dropped from his pocket.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Herminio Hurado-Resendiz – http://nwfdailynews.com

Couple busted for marijuana

“You’re kidding me, right?” Kimberly Pardus said. “I can’t smell anything.”

John Pardus leant against the wall nursing his left hand and watched the police officer walk up the staircase towards the second floor where the smell of marijuana was strongest. Kimberly, his wife, was shaking her head. The idea of inviting the police back to their home to unload his .22-calibre handgun and make it safe was beginning to sound like a real dumb idea. Soon, he knew, the police officers would find the 46 marijuana plants and a closet full of marijuana trees hanging out to dry.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of John Pardus – http://news-journalonline.com

Crack dealer is no Mr. Big

Pele Watson’s lawyer stood up saying, “My client is no Mr. Big your honour. He has a condition called achondroplasia.”

The judge looked up from her papers with a blank expression.

“I believe it is better known as dwarfism,” the lawyer said.

“Your client is still a drug dealer, Mr. Rendle. He sold crack cocaine to a police officer.”

“He is an addict that suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and depression your honour and has not made any money from the offence.”

“Perhaps, Mr. Rendle, you feel that your client should receive a shorter sentence for this crime?” the judge said.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Pele Watson – www.standard.co.uk/

Too dumb to pull it off

Craig Gaddis, locked in his own gun cupboard. Thinking. That mexican looking guy with the stocking distorting his face was one dumb burglar. Now, Craig could hear the dumb tortilla and his two accomplices walking the rooms above his head. The squeaking of the floorboards letting him know which room they were in now. Racking the shotgun and loading the chamber. Thinking again. Thinking about how he wanted this to play out. Which one of the three burglars he was going to shoot first as he climbed the cellar stairs. Yeah, maybe the short fat one that called him Grandpa.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case the homeowner locked in his own gun closet – http://opposingviews.com

The proof is in the pudding

Bradley Davidson stood with his back against the wall wielding a black pudding in the shape of a truncheon in his raised hand. “You bastards,” he shouted. “You’ll not fucking put me back.”

Prosecutor Richardson kept silent. He could see the guy had backed himself into a corner with nowhere to go.

“Mr Bradley,” the judge said, “put down the weapon.”

Richardson, beginning to look over at the judge turned to face Davidson. The dumb fuck. He could see Davidson was going to throw the black pudding across the courtroom. Then what? Richardson guessed he hadn’t figured that part out.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Bradley Davidson – http://news.stv.tv

Chased by Zombies

“You got it all wrong, there were zombies all over the place. I had to haul my ass out of there, fast.”

“And you stole the strawberry truck?”

Jerimiah Hartline gave the Officer that grin, telling him something he already knew. “I didn’t see the Mercedes until it was too late.”

Officer Baer said, “That was just after colliding with the Toyota 4-Runner?”

“Yeah, but I had them zombies chasing after me.”

“All the way from Interstate fifteen?”

Jerimiah cracked a smile, he wanted to see how far he could take this. “Yeah, fifteen in Rainbow sounds about right.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the Jerimiah Hartline – http://upi.com

Quackers

“The guy just came at me with the shotgun wearing a ski mask,” the store clerk said.

Deputy Sheriff George Warrel flipped his note pad open and looked up. “You sure it was a ski mask he wore?”

The clerk nodded saying, “It had a picture of a duck’s bill.”

“A duck’s bill?” Sheriff Warrel said, licking the tip of his pencil. Thinking. The ski mask had been picked up a mile from the store by a County Sheriff. “You get a good look of the shotgun?”

“Uh huh,” the clerk said, “I was too busy staring at the duck.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Idaho robbery – http://ktvb.com

The old, dwarf excuse

Even though the pedals were a little hard to reach and the steering wheel blocked his view of the road, Gunnar still managed the manual gearshift of his father’s Volvo as he drove to his grandparents’ home just north of Oslo. If only his friends could see him now, he thought. Ten years-old seemed big enough, to him at least, to be driving. That is, until the snow made it harder to see and he swerved to the left and then to the right and finally came to a stop in a ditch by the side of the road.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the boy, aged ten, who stole his parents’ car – http://dailymail.co.uk

A new meaning to emergency funds

– 911, what is the nature of your emergency? –

Dominic, feeling relieved to hear the operator’s voice, said, “I… I screwed up. I need you to come fix some money for Candy.”

– Sir, are you hurt in some way? –

“No, but I need you to pay Candy,” Dominic said. “I told her I had no money to pay her, now I think she has her boss coming over to hurt me.”

– Sir, tell me exactly what has happened –

“Nothin’s happened, but it will if I don’t pay Candy the four-hundred dollars I owe her,” Dominic said, looking up at Candy.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of an unpaid prostitute bill – http://opposingviews.com

Safe’ish

Wednesday morning: 4 a.m. Outside Monkey Joe’s. Barrow County Officer Phelps looked out over his dashboard at a guy rolling a small safe across the parking lot using a swivel chair. The guy walking all casual until he spotted the patrol car. Phelps still holding his coffee to his lips thought it through. The suspect was wearing a face mask, a hooded jacket, Jeans and a pair of white sneakers. Did he have a gun? Maybe. Phelps wasn’t sure. He called for backup and played it by the book. That’s when the suspect ran for the nearby woods and disappeared.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the Monkey Joe’s safe robbery – http://gwinnettdailypost.com

Shot to impress

Richmond Principe was beginning to realise that some things were better left undone, or not done at all. The bullet, a .22-calibre, had hit his chest at close range and exited through his back. “I don’t know the guy who shot me,” he said.

“That right… You think you could try to remember a few weeks back?”

Richmond gave the officer a look and shook his head as if he were thinking real hard.

“You tell your friend that he’d get a cut of the insurance money?”

Richmond rubbed the back of his neck saying, “It weren’t like that.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Richmond Principe – http://poststar.com

Dealer ties dope to his penis

Police Corporal Christopher Eiserman shook his head, kept the smirk going. “Uh-huh, I want you to pull your pants down.”

“Man,” Ray Woods said popping open his Jeans. “You gotta be kiddin me…? I told you, there ain’t nothing down there.”

Eiserman shrugged, thinking the guy is gonna tell him the bulge is all natural. Now, with his pants down, Eiserman could see the plastic bag tied to the guy’s penis was anything but. “You been holding out on us Ray?”

Ray Woods rubbed his jaw with his hand.

Eiserman said, “I guess you figured we wouldn’t check, huh?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Ray Woods – www.philly.com

That’s not my pot!

“That shit ain’t mine,” Douglas Glidden said, feeling the handcuffs tighten around his wrists. “I’m telling you, I don’t do marijuana. It’s not my style.”

Lt. Joseph Sage said, “It’s in your vehicle, so I guess that puts it in your possession.”

“Uh huh, Officer. It ain’t mine ‘cause I just stole the car,” Douglas said. “I just lucked out, that’s all.”

“You lucked out, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that. I’ve been lucking out a lot lately. You think you could give me a break?”

Lt. Sage had to grin at Douglas thinking how this guy was one dumb criminal.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Douglas Glideen – http://sunjournal.com

Blowing up the family Labrador

It seemed like a good idea at the time, Christopher W. Dillingham thought. But he hadn’t figured on the explosion being that bad. He was certain his dog had the devil inside of it. He watched the heavyset man sit down on the kitchen chair opposite. Neither of them smiled. Now the FBI man started shaking his head saying, “You said you were where when the bomb went off?”

“Behind the garden wall,” Christopher said. “On account that I didn’t want to get hit by any flying debris.”

“By debris, you mean your family’s pet Labrador?”

Christopher shrugged. “Cabella, yeah?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Christopher W. Dillingham killing the family Labrador – http://koin.com

Attorney tasered by Officer

“You want to lock me up, Officer?” The suspect, a 44-year-old woman, said.

Officer Lovejoy smiled. “I need a name?”

“I bet you do, but I’m still done talking with you. In fact,” the suspect said, taking a few steps towards the door, “I’m leaving the property.”

Officer Lovejoy unclipped his taser gun and pointed it at the suspect telling her how it was. Telling her to put her black bag down.

“I’m a Federal Attorney, you can’t detain me.”

Lovejoy was shaking his head trying to figure her out before the taser put her on the ground.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of a Federal Attorney shot with a taser gun – http://nwfdailynews.com

You speaky English?

“What did he say?”

“How the fuck should I know,” Zachariah said. “The guy don’t make no sense.”

Howard pulled his Colt .44 from his waistband and pointed it at one of the Chinese waiters, the one that was no taller than he’d been himself when he’d started high school ten years back. “You speaky English?” he said, cracking a smile under his mask.

“You think he’s a faggot Howard?”

“Fuck you Zack, I said no using our names.”

“They don’t understand shit,” Zachariah said. “So it don’t matter none.”

“How do you know they don’t know shit, you fucking genius.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of foiled robbery – http://upi.com

Fries to go, Mr. President?

“What,” Marvin McTeare said, “I make you nervous?”

The manager kept staring at the cash register not wanting to make eye contact with the guy wearing the Barack Obama mask. She didn’t have to look up to know he was still pointing that nickel plated handgun at her. She fumbled with the cash, spilt some coins onto the counter and went to pick them up.

“Don’t worry about the change, just give me the notes from the till.”

She was thinking of asking him if he wanted fries to go with that, liking the way it sounded in her head.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Barack Obama robbing a McDonalds – http://articles.sun-sentinel.com

Merry marijuana and happy New Year

Sergeant Mesa wound down his window as his pulled the car over. “Oi, Santa!” he said.

Santa stopped and looked over. “Oh, it’s you sergeant. I didn’t recognise you.”

Mesa wiped his fingers over his mouth and the two day’s worth of stubble on his chin. “What’s in the sack Tony?” he said.

Tony shrugged.

Mesa said, “You still dealing drugs?”

“Uh huh, I’m just spreading some Christmas joy.”

Mesa thinking, said, “Yeah, like a proper little Santa. Except, I’m guessing you’ve packed a little extra something into the parcels. Am I right?”

Tony gave him that grin of his.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Santa’s marijuana – http://ktar.com

Chucky

Donald Ray Lee had trouble seeing clearly that day. The Chucky mask was obscuring his vision as he pointed his .22 Magnum at the bank clerk. “Sir,” the clerk said, “you have to take the halloween mask off.”

“Uh uh, you gotta give me all your money. And make sure you keep everything nice-n-easy, you hear?” Donald said, knowing he had missed something on the way in. Now seeing that sign on the wall by the entrance – Management recognises the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution – Then catching Thompson, the bank manager, pulling his Colt .380 onto him.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the People’s bank robbery – http://kansascity.coml

Woman’s choke-hold on cop

“You say your husband tried to strangle you, Mrs. Ambroziak?”

Claudia Ambroziak looked at the officer with tired eyes.

Officer Garay said, “You think you could show me how your husband, Joe, tried to choke you?”

Claudia stood up without saying a word and placed a hand around the officer’s neck applying pressure with her thumb at the same moment the officer swiped her arm from under her and twisted it behind her back. He said, “Damn woman, I didn’t mean for you to strangle me… Now I’m gonna have to charge you with battery on a law enforcement officer.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Claudia Ambroziak – http://news-journalonline.com

Shot five times

Danny, with his hands in his pockets, was saying to Jack, “Check the guy out wearing the suit?”

“That him getting out of the car?” Jack said.

“Mark Hasse,” Danny said, pulling the .44 Magnum from his hip and pressing it into Jack’s hand. “You cool with all this?”

“What, you want to do him, that it?” Jack said, but not waiting for any answer. He crossed the road with the .44 held at shoulder height and let off five shots. Each one hit its target. The Assistant District Attorney for Kaufman County collapsed onto the pavement outside the courthouse.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Mark Hasse – http://nydailynews.com

You need big pants, not balls

Larry Wolf wanted to take one of the two puppies but couldn’t make up his mind which one. He picked up the white pug nearest and held it up so that his son could see it. Yeah, he liked the look of this one himself and unzipped his flies and stuffed the puppy down his pants. “We’re good to go,” he said to his wife, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “I want that one too.”

Larry thinking now, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea taking his wife shopping. “You want that one or both?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of the puppy theft – http://clickorlando.com