Trigger-happy bank robber

Paulo Mendes flipped the safety off on the .44 Magnum, twisted it over in his hand checking the nickel finish, and kept tapping its cousin, a Colt 45, against his leg to the tune inside his head. He was beginning to think that Fábio and Ramon were taking their time robbing this bank. Now, he started pointing the .44 Magnum at his own reflection in the window, spinning the revolver and glancing back over his shoulder. The .44 Magnum slipped from his grip and he caught the trigger with his finger. Then he felt the bullet pass through his foot.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of a trigger-happy bank robber – www.metro.co.uk

Robber tries to buy revolver back

Cedrick Mitchell had worked it through in his mind. “Man,” he said, “I just want my piece back. I’ll give you forty dollars for it?”

The guy holding the hotel-room door open giving him that smirk said, “You want us to sell your gun back to you?”

“Yeah, that’s about it.”

“You shitting me. You just tried to use it on us.”

Mitchell stood there a moment adjusting his jacket watching the guy’s partner come out the bathroom holding the SIG.22 in her hands. The one he’d dropped when he tried to rob them of their pills ten minutes before.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Cedrick Mitchell – www.huffingtonpost.com

Bank robbers forget their loot

The black guy in the ski mask hitting the steering wheel was doing the talking. “Wait a minute, who the fuck has the holdall?”

One of the white dudes, Fernando, said, “Man, did you see the look on that bitch’s face?”

The black guy was getting agitated and slammed on the brakes. Thinking. They had left their stash in the back seat when they crashed the getaway car. Fernando had waved his revolver in the woman’s face. They hijacked her Mercedes and ditched the damaged Audi forgetting to pick up the holdall stuffed full of valuables from the warehouse’s vault.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Spanish heist – www.huffingtonpost.com

Dog poop sparks killing spree

Michael Stoltz watched the German Shepherd’s body go slack. The sound of the gunshot sent the other dog, a Rottweiler, scurrying off to squeeze through the gap under the door. He reloaded and turned the revolver over in his hands. Aimed. Fired another shot and watched the Rottweiler hit the floor as his wife ran into the kitchen. Stoltz played it through his mind, the dog shitting in the house, then blamed his wife for wanting them. Sometimes it’s the trivial things that set people off, right? He watched the confused look on his wife’s face and squeezed the trigger.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of seventy-six year old Texas man Michael Stephen Stoltz – http://news.yahoo.com

Taco sauce

“You been eating my taco sauce?”

Rebecca Philips lifted her head from the magazine and caught her son hanging onto the fridge door, thinking that it was about time he cut his hair and got himself a job. Maybe take his live-in girlfriend with him. She said, “I ate some, Chris.”

Christopher, staring at her, said, “You get the munchies?”

Rebecca hesitated, her brain asking if she heard right. She kept looking at him but didn’t answer.

“Yeah, I bet that’s what it was,” he said, slamming the fridge door. “My bitch of a mother ate my taco sauce.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Christopher Philips – http://digg.com

Justin Bieber doll attacks cop

Michael Nuanes ran a finger over his foot saying, “You’ve gotta be fuckin kiddin.”

“Why?” his girlfriend said. “Because you think you’re some big, hot shot cop who can throw his weight around?”

Michael got up from his chair. “You know… You shouldn’t talk to me like that.”

“Christ, it was just a Justin Bieber doll. Get over it.”

“That right, huh… You think it didn’t bruise my foot? It fuckin hurt.”

She said, “You don’t think punching me in the ribs hurt?”

Michael settled back, thinking, Now she was getting all righteous on him telling him how it was.

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Denver Cop Michael Nuanes – www.thedenverchannel.com

Joshua ‘no pants’ O’Shea

Joshua O’Shea, five-eleven in his bare feet, thirty-one years old, a white man wearing nothing but an open shirt stumbled into his girlfriend’s apartment. He stared at Lindsay Bolton in her short nightgown, legs that reached way up.

Lindsay, face-to-face with a man she didn’t recognise standing naked from the waist down inside her living-room, said, “Derek, come out here.”

‘Who the fuck are you?’ Joshua said. “Where’s Sandra?”

Lindsay hesitated, and waited for her husband to come out of the bedroom. ‘What’re you doing with the bat?’ she said.

“Thinking I oughta kill you.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Joshua O’Shea – www.wmur.com

Robbery by toilet plunger

The Citizen Bank was third on Lawrence Deptola’s list. He strutted up to the cashier armed with a toilet plunger and banged on the glass partition. “You, retard. This is a robbery. Hand over what you got in your till.”

The cashier gave him a look. “You’re robbing the bank?”

“You a cripple or what? I’ve just told you I’m robbing the bank.”

“With that?”

Lawrence started to grin. “Fuck you bitch, don’t make me come over there and knock the shit outta you with it. Now get your skinny arse into gear and put the money in a bag.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Lawrence Deptola – www.wktv.com

The wannabe locksmith

Thirty-one year old, Joe Chavez pushed the second pin into the lock, twisted it a quarter turn and listened for the click. That’s when he heard, from behind, the sound of the County Sheriff unholster his sidearm saying, “What are you doing burglarising this vehicle son?”

It got Chavez to smile. “I’m trying to figure how it works.”

The Sheriff spat out a mouthful of browning tobacco that landed next to his boot. He said, “You shitting me?”

Chavez having fun with him now, said, “I figured that I needed the practice if I want to be a Locksmith.”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of an unknown Utah man – www.azcentral.com

Dealer ties dope to his penis

Police Corporal Christopher Eiserman shook his head, kept the smirk going. “Uh-huh, I want you to pull your pants down.”

“Man,” Ray Woods said popping open his Jeans. “You gotta be kiddin me…? I told you, there ain’t nothing down there.”

Eiserman shrugged, thinking the guy is gonna tell him the bulge is all natural. Now, with his pants down, Eiserman could see the plastic bag tied to the guy’s penis was anything but. “You been holding out on us Ray?”

Ray Woods rubbed his jaw with his hand.

Eiserman said, “I guess you figured we wouldn’t check, huh?”

By Vincent Holland

Inspired by the case of Ray Woods – www.philly.com